" I saw a plane today flying low over the land.
But my mind was somewhere else."

----Laurie Anderson

Call it mystical design & kiss liped magic smooth skin to crashing hips overdew.
Withdrawn now for over a year.
I breathe in, missing parts
erase in their delicate precision.
like the lines of my hands
telling secrets only someone else could understand.
Eyes closed
speaking some lost language that only 2 mouths together can speak.

......

"If wishes were stars, there would be no night." - -j.aaron board
......

Before that it was friday...

Yummy Tai food , Queen of the damned & Dragonfly . not so yummy.
Queen of the damned was just a bit to pop-goth- rock I'm too cool for school in its attitude & presentation that At times made me ill. I assumed Dragonfly wouldn't be very good , but it was starting next & I had time to kill with no expectations. 2 for 1 special.
Everyone disses Kevin Costner so bad these days.
I wonder when diss or dissed will make it in the dictionary.
I love Laurie Anderson.
Then watched David Lynch's "On the Air" episode 1 @ Monte's friday night & then
one of my favorite foreign movies... "After Life" .
I've written about it before on my web site , but watching it again & my friend Sam sending me a personality survey that asks about your most memorable moments of your life.
Which is what after life gets you to do ...

In Star Trek "Insurrection" the people have an almost buddhist approach to living life. Being aware & more alive in the moment. NOW.
They say in the movie it takes several of our lifetimes to master.
They give up their technology & live simply.
They gave up traveling the heavens.
"We realised that there are more worlds in the here & now to discover than in all the heavens." I'm naturally a very deep person. And this really struck me hard , deeply , & profoundly. It's so buddhist. Taking everything in. That there is more to discover in the simple moments we live in everyday. More depth. In the movie the present they experince actually slows down, so they are able to take it MORE .

Have you ever experienced , as they say, a "perfect moment" ?
Where you sense how special "NOW" is while it is happening, as almost magical.
Or at least nostalgic memorable. Awed by it.
After which we sometimes say " I can die now."
I remember saying "I can die now." After the very first time I saw Siouxsie & the Banshees many years ago. Mindblowing Diva , stage presence that she is.

But what moments of your life would you want to live in forver....
When I've watched After Life, the following have come to mind.....
The first time I saw it.

1999.
Loden about age 4 1/2 . Perhaps about 5.
He and I were in my living room building with tinkertoys & lincoln logs.
All kinds of crazy contraptions we were building together.
Just like i did hundreds of times when i was his age.
And we're goofing off , making really wacky tinkertoy gizmos, making them flip & turn & such. And Loden makes 2 drum sick mallets with the tinkertoys & turns the cans for the tinkertoys & lincoln logs over & starts drumming all fast & furious.
I quickly put together me a pair of mallets & begin to play along.
We jammed , drumming on the empty cans for like 20 minutes.
........

I remember all these moments as a child playing pretend.
Strange games with invisible electric walls to mark the area not to get out of.
All kinds of rules for the game.
One time I played all day with friends in a hugely wooded, overgrown, muddy ditch.
I went home filthy. Covered head to toe in mud.
......

when i was 3 or 4 [1974] me and my parents went on these long driving trips.
My sister whose 6 years younger wasn't born yet.
We drove alot @ night , my dad had a white Monte Carlo,
I wanted him to have a green mustang like a teenage boy up the road.
You know that area behind the back seat , where the speakers are,
@ the back glass....
I would lay across that area , across the width of the car.
i was small enough to fit perfectly , without bending my knees.
Back then parents weren't as worried about strapping kids in & all that.
i would put my cheek against the cold glass [rear window] and get a bit of
a view of the stars above.
I would stay there for what seemed like all night.
Staring at stars for hours.
I dont remember thinking anything at all. Just wonder.
So many stars on deserted highways.
I've always like astronomy.

.....

In 1985 , 11th grade i believe it was. We had a new girl , who was a friend of a friend show up in our French class a few weeks after school had started.
By the end of the day every boy in school was talking about this new exotic , drop dead beautiful , punkish girl . She turned up in my French class that afternoon.
We became friends. And like every boy in school , fell heavy for her.
I came to learn of her much older bad-boy , boyfriend. Grew to hate him as the object of my object of my affection. "He's too old for you". all that. He was the only person she had ever dated . So long time boyfriend.
[He & I a year or so later became good friends & still are today by the way.]
But,one day..
All the winners of the school science fair all went to the state science fair trip @ Mississippi State University to compete. I think I did mine of Psychic powers that year.
Another year was "Life on Mars". Another year, "abnormalities of the human brain.
Our school won more awards than any other school. We were a new artsy "Alternative High School", [for smart kids not reject "alternative" schools.] kind of like Montesorri for big kids. I won a pretty high up place got to go to the regional science fair.
So we were all stoked about winning it so big.

I sat by Kathy on the bus , on the way home late that night.
Very cool.
She got the coolest music from her boyfriend.
She had a walkman with 2 headphone jacks so we both listened to it @ the same time.
Pitch black travelling.
The tape was better than any music I had heard. I had loved the early MTV days with all the british videos. Men @ Work, Men Without Hats, Talking Heads, the Police.
But on this tape was more obscure than what I'd been exposed to.
Some rarer, cooler Human League, Billy Idol, Falco, Siouxsie & the Banshees ,
Psychedlic Furs & ULTRAVOX.
We had my jacket over us cause it was chilly. A bit scrunched down in the seat.
And over the course of the beautiful Ultravox songs. His passionate voice, great songs about love & closeness & such....
Under the cover of my jacket & dark , we held hands ...
& listened to the tape. U2's "Two hearts beat as one." , Modern English "Love breaks down", Slyfox "lets go all the way", B-52's "Strobelight", Billy Idol "Eyes without a Face."
With the most beautiful & exotic & only punk girl I had ever known.
I was living this teenage boy dream . Just holding her hand.
Sweaty palms.
It changed my idea of music. Of love. Of life.
I will never forget that night.
Her boyfriend made me a copy of that tape, and weeks later she had broken up with the boyfriend & we started dating.
Which all led to me picking up the whole Alternative look & love of music back then , among other things too.
We broke up & dated many other times the next few years and shared a few other perfect moments.
But that virginal , adrenaline feed night , listening thru those headphones, holding her forbidden hand.
She was engaged with him @ the time, waiting for her to graduate high school.
I'll never forget that night.

The Singular is Plural. The Plural is Singular. (prose)

If we ARE all connected, then to a certain extent there is only one entity alive.
Global brain, gaia, borg, one with the universe, nirvana, whole systems theory, etc... We use different terminology that comes with it certain dogmatic principles. But stripped clean to simplicity, they are not that different. What one calls faith can be science and vice versa. Aspects of Understanding truth takes an almost infinite number of forms. None of what you said is strange at all. There is nothing unnatural. There is only a natural more or less common. It can all be part of the scientific psyche. Our connection to external forces simply go beyond what we currently understand about how our psyche connects. No matter how impossible it seems, our psyche can process it into language we try to make sense of. There is nothing mystical, we only interpret as unknown voodoo we cannot explain yet.
it doesnt mean it doesnt exsist, only we lack the proper understanding of its natural order. it seems the things that freak you out, I get ammused by. Simply find interesting, get what I can from them, and leave the rest behind.

My best friends generally are atheist or agnostic or gnostic. I was once a very negative person. For myself life was too short for such dwellings. I changed 100%.
Over my natural inclination for such things (like yourself) I have studied, I have delved into all mannor of stimuli to tap into glimpses of altered consciousness. In these altered states the mind can offset placement, perspective, point of reference, give a glimpse into our own personal and philospical language that we call self. The process of leaving one self, stepping aside, such as doctor proclimations as misfires. The brain's chemistry falling of track, rerouting the system temporarily.
I am very intereted in subconscious/unconscious workings of the brain. Certainly chemical imbalance can cause much distress and unhappiness and have harmful consequences. Its difficult to keep ones self in check during such alienation. One must be able to mentally "surf oneself". To get on top the confusion and weird , turn off everything, and simply ride.
You are there on top, timing it out.
No worries. You'll try to make sense of it later down the line. You just have to be careful of oneself when there, you have to ride it, not let it ride you.
The overwhelming sense of chaos and disorder can reveal glimpses into aspects of yourself which have yet to be unlocked.
Most people never have that opportunity, nor or they open to it.
What we make of things is the important thing. It's quite logical and learned. Trying to understand whats not worth bothering with, and (fight club) "let that which does not matter, TRUELY slide". And appreciating whats their to appreciate, NO MATTER how they happen to come to you.
So you dont remember to much from the month of your birth ?

I too have had only a handful of truly unique experiences. One was merely a dream after an experience , .... sort of a mental followup I suppose. I mind unlocking my person code of meaning, symbolism, understanding, etc... One I taken outside of time, I could see how it worked from the outside.

They were so powerful they would change me. I had such clarity for many moons. They would eventually fade into everyday occurance. Years would pass, I would have another some sort of inspirational ephiphony, that would come on like a some sort of psychic message from some other aspect of a more advanced version of myself.
Sometimes it was a connection through what can only be described as former and future incarnations of myself.
I seemed to have broken that barrier in some brief instant.
The feeling that those experiences would leave on me would stay longer. The revelations learned through those satori(s) I saw meaning in, in everyday life.
And now, I have experienced enough to know what I know.
And be open to life. The fleeting moments of intensity are our personal unconsciousness revealing our personal soul fuel. I no longer need a strike upside the head to fuel my being. My eyes open, my walk balanced.
The more I am this way, the more my psyche and own personal savior unveils itself. We have a nice dialogue. I think much of the symbolism in my dreams are a bit silly and ego-filled purposeful complex, but thats part of me too. Kind of like those silly rubics cube boxes in hellraiser. I tell my unconscious, enough with the smoke & mirrors. Its good for the oooooos and ahhhhhhs though. Like a magic show, "gentleman and gentleman, I give you the true nature of yourself..."
Puff....
Don't let your scientific ego keep you from what you tell yourself is dopey and cheesy and inspirational.
A little mental masterbation never hurt no one and it feels good.
Find pleasure in the ride.
Many connections are merely momentary and meaningless.
They are just you appreciating its simplicity.

Your own seriousness can be too controlled by ego.
Its not about you, its about seeing and experiencing the connections we all share.
Its not at odds with your logic. We must be logical.
Its hard to know the difference between logic and doubt and the melu of whether proof is what its about versus continuing the journey, to continue the journey.
Such head games are only fueled by self-doubt and insecurities.
Dont get caught up in it, let it all slide.
Relax. uncomplecate. If it makes no sense then dont bother trying to make sense of it.
See where the day takes you.

Its all good. If you dont have the words, thats ok.
Things change. No need to keep looking back trying to make sense. look forward and new connections to that old self will happen. The ever evolving you is exactly what it needs to be. right where you are sitting now.
No need for want of a road map. Listen deep. See the world around you abit slower.
(my nerd cap goes on) Like they say in Star Trek Insurrecion : "there are more universes in the here and now than in all the heavens."

Its all going to be ok.
Whether its a brain tumor, or some other mental misfire or inability to function as what most call "normal".
I certainly dont connect with the masses at large.
As a 13-14 year old I would suppose to all my friends ala. Dr. Seuss, how we were all just some dust spec on the back of some grand toliet in the shithouse of life. And the bugger's diaretic. So i know I was always weird. I've just blossomed into a true freak in the freakdom.
Our own psyche will give us those hints that seem over complicated. We are the programmer. i am totally not about organized religion of any kind.
Dont concentrate on the vagueness of past experience.
You can daydream slumming through nostalgia so as to see how one is different now. but dont let that be your guiding force. The here & now of you knows your language better.
Get your personal fuel where ever you can.
If you dont understand it, forget it now, do not dwell on it another instant. Another january awaits to revail herself to you, as soon as your mind thinks your ready to handle it. Not before. If you cant come to grips with it, its not meant to be boxed. Its merely a glimpse of your personal truth.
Donnie Darko is a personal favorite. I was even told, dude, thats the most and weirdest "herman movie" I have ever seen. Alot of depth there.
if it seems like more, than it is.
You only have your own internal sensors to interpret what you do or do not get out of anything.
The more you appreciate and share (connect with others), the more you can appreciate and share.

I totally believe in Synchronicity. I'm a big Jung fan. I got into him when the Police album came out in the 80s. Be it karma, luck, positive thinking or fate... The christians call it God's plan, or divine intervention.
The buddhists believe nothing happens by accident.
Whatever happens, happens for a reason.
Its all good.

Truth is relative to what I get out of it. I have seen several anti-urantia propaganga things before. Thats the first MK ULtra one with Charlton Heston voice as god.
It's the searching for what bits ring true to oneself that is important. Nothing in this world is unaffected by human hands.
"Don't Believe in Anything" - The Psychedelic Furs

"Nothing is True. Everything is permissible."

http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~dumber/ed.htm

No belief should be held on so tight as to be unable to undo it in the potentiality of all things.

Its not just about respecting others belief to believe whatever they want. To merely say nothing is absolute
isn't just about politically aware equality or scientific per se.

I generally think of all dogma as largely brain candy.
So specifics of rite, ritual, fact from some essene scroll, learning, experience, prophecy, whether of not Christmas is a pagan rite.
While I see truth in gnosticism, the one track accumilation of knowledge can be blinding. Whereas the pursuit itself can keep one from doing anything with said knowledge, except collect and regurgitate it into a vast warehouse of ego.

I find just as much noble effort in no mind, hypnogogia, sub/un-conscious, and how such things effect our perceptions.

So it is entertaining to see how in so many different ways people touch on truth, and at what point they get stuck. Whether or not spiritual and religious beliefs are true are not, are JUST as UNimportant to me as whether some fiction like the Matrix is "literally" real. Its all aspects that can be a conduit for bits of truth. I enjoy thought provoking anything, I enjoy it deeply.

I lost my great NEED for anything some time ago.
"I am what I am" as pipe tootin Popeye said.
An influx of new ideas helps us center ourselves and continually develop our personal filter by which we discern the possibility of this influx of new knowledge. We learn how it is true, and how it is not true. Whether thats my (mis?-)education thru Dianetics, UFO's, gnosticism, or experience.

I'm not looking for a guidebook. I file it in the footnotes as reference in my own unwritten self-guided tour of absolution and being.

"All that is not given is lost." - Hasari Pal

Ø        Marriage 'tames' geniuses, criminals
> From correspondents in Paris
> July 10, 2003
>
> CREATIVE genius and crime express themselves early in men but both are turned
> off almost like a tap if a man gets married and has children, a study says.
> Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist at the University of Canterbury in New
> Zealand, compiled a database of the biographies of 280 great scientists, noting
> their age at the time when they made their greatest work.
> The data remarkably concur with the brutal observation made by Albert
> Einstein, who wrote in 1942: "A person who has not
> made his great contribution to
> science before the age of 30 will never do so."
> "Scientific productivity indeed fades with age," Kanazawa says. "Two-thirds
> (of all scientists) will have made their most
> significant contributions before their mid-thirties."
> But, regardless of age, the great minds who married virtually kissed goodbye
> to making any further glorious additions to their
> CV.
> Within five years of making their nuptial vows, nearly a quarter of married
> scientists had made their last significant
> contribution to history's Hall of Fame.
> "Scientists rather quickly desist [from their careers] after their marriage,
> while unmarried scientists continue to make great scientific contributions
> later in their lives," says Kanazawa.
> The energy of youth and the dampening effect of
> marriage, he adds, are also
> remarkably similar among geniuses in music, painting and writing, as well as in
> criminal activity.
> Previous studies have documented that delinquents are overwhelmingly male,
> and usually start out on the road to crime in their teens.
> But those who marry well subsequently stop
> committing crime, whereas
> criminals at the same age who remain unmarried tend
> to continue their unlawful careers.
> Kanazawa suggests "a single psychological mechanism"
> is responsible for this:
> the competitive edge among young men to fight for glory and gain the
> attention of women. That craving drives the
> all-important male hormone, testosterone.
> After a man settles down, the testosterone level
> falls, as does his creative
> output, Kanazawa theorises.
> The study appears in in the August issue of the Journal of Research in
> Personality, published by the Elsevier group.
--------------------
Its 2 different arguments whether having a spouse
turns one's creativity to shit or whether complacency
& routine & vibing a shared schedule or whether the
happiness itself turns the creativity off.
Each is a valid argument.
Having a spouse generally only temporarily infers a
bliss so great in distraction that all is reflected by
its tempered mirror. Some of the best Art is often
created from awful or fucked up feelings. We find more
humanistic truth in the suffering of others. It allows
us the luxury of sharing in their escape, their
passion, their longing.
Getting lost in the immensity of it.
Romance & cheesy flowers of embarrassment we generally
dont express to the masses. The intimate makes us out
of place in crowds. There is only Rumi or EE Cummings
today in the intimate. When we ourselves can feel as
they feel. We allow ourself to call into question our
happiness but not its absence. Even when we are happy
we understand and appreciate loss, but happiness is
all too alien to those without it.

Of course theres the argument that when one has a
significant other, one spends their expression on each
other.... love , hate, madness is all there at times,
but we are taught not to withdraw into our work , our
art, our despair. If we fail in endevoring to let out
our ideas to our loved one, we rot, or find another to
express it with, rather than express it alone. We are
in the business of sharing then, whether its as feeble
and lost in front of a tv or talking.
Having people in our lives is a neccesarry distraction.
If we need private time, our spouse too often calls
things into question, as if its unnatural to need to
do alone. The social male dynamic too often fucks
things up. We sometimes arent able to express our
"self needs" to people who are dependent on us. Or if
we do Weakness, ego, selfishness, or immaturity are
roles thought up.
We're suppose to be there for our mate, and child
first, over our needs.
Time for individuality (invention, art, etc....), goes
to the back burner of low priority.

I mean this in a survivialist primal, sub-conscious
way rather than touchy feely. When ego's get involved
art always suffers.

> now, does that mean that every single artist in the
> whole world who is happily married is null and void?

We always have drugs & schizophrenia. I always say the
crazies make damn fine art. Have a toke & get the urge
to shit on a canvas. I personally love stream of
consciousness art, or non-thinking art, trancy, or
trying to get a rise out of the subconscious. Oulipo.
dada, or merely something contemplative.
We just have to discard the old spouse every so often
& take time for us.
Its nice if our spouse needs private time also. Again,
if have to think of it as a right & need, not endemic
of a problem existing. "I need my space."

If one is sitting fat & lazy, like alot of folks these
days, inspiration is a whore.
We indeed become content, as you say. So theres no
desire to delve into the individual, but stay
connected to the pair. What are we gonna do, eat, drink, watch ?
We can get inspiration there. I'm a pretty decadent
mofo. The bliss can consume. When your running
inspiration adrenaline juice its a happy feel good
feeling & I think it makes good art. We just bogged
down in routine with spouse & we let the bliss juice
drain out our orifices, as expression. Rather than
expressing it artistically.
In the article they try to connect creativity to
testosterone. That we only have the desire to express
ourselves creativly is because it could help us get
laid. I think there is more to it than that.
Its some other argument why women make less art than
men. Is that true ?
Artists generally get laid pretty frequently. Maybe
thats one of the reasons they like being an artist, or
a rock star. The desire to be famous is a different
arguement though. Do artist create more if they have
mistresses on the side than the monogamous one ?
We say thats part of an artists nature to be decadent
& embrace life in all its passions.

Hell , young men often spend every waking minute trying to get laid , which keeps them from being artistic.

I certainly dont think as a movie it stands on its on.
But every bad review bascially doesn't understand the
story. It all comes down to those 4 or 5 speeches
essentially he mentions above.
Not everyone understands the importance of what
happened to Agent Smith. He is the first "free"
machine. was shown freedom . He is the Neo christ
savior for the machines. Neo set the stage , showed
the way, set him free. The movie is about the
liberation and evolution of consciousness. Period. It
uses parallels in black history and higher
consciousness / perception references as its base.

When "programmer" Neo sells his illegal wares he pulls
it from a hollow copy of : Simulacra and Simulation
(The Body, in Theory: Histories of Cultural
Materialism) Jean Baudrillard
Thats important. People who dont know the references
arent going to get the connection. Having the "trinity
saviors" stand before the French Merovingian ---Neo ,
Morpheus , and "TRINITY" complete the christian
mythos.

Parts of the movie that must be understood, That are
key to the plot, to like the movie :

1. First you must understand Agent Smiths huge role in
it. He is to be the machine's savior. (see above)

2. Neo with the counselor (Man and Machine must
understand the Yin & Yang duality that tells them they
are better off living together in harmony, all free
beings, depending on each other as key, no one greater
or lesser than the other. All machines and humans must
be free and live in harmony. All consciousness.

3. Neo with The Oracle

4. The Trinity Saviors with the Merovingian

5. Neo with the Architect

--------------------------

Counseler West is Cornel West, is one of today's
leading African American intellectuals. Professor of
African-American Studies and Professor in the
Department of Religion, at Princeton University.
Teaches classes in both Religion (his department) and
African-American Studies., Before Princeton he did all
of the above at Harvard.
http://www.kevincmurphy.com/west.html

"What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."
-Crowfoot, Native American warrior and orator(1821-1890)

Reading List for people who view the Matrix as a mythology for the liberation and evolution of consciousness :


1. The User Illusion : Cutting Consciousness Down To Size Tor Norretranders (There's No There There) 1999 Viking Press $11.90

2. Zen and the Brain : Toward an Understanding of Meditation and Consciousness Dr. James H. Austin 1999 MIT Press $23.07

3. Simulacra and Simulation (The Body, in Theory: Histories of Cultural Materialism) Jean Baudrillard 1994 University of Michigan Press $11.84

4. Boomeritis : A Novel That Will Set You Free Ken Wilber 2002 Shambhala Publications $17.47

5. The Awakening of Intelligence J. Krishnamurti 1987 Harper Books $12.60

6. The Age of Spiritual Machines Ray Kurzweil 2000 Penguin USA $10.47

7. Darwin Among The Machines : The Evolution of Global Intelligence George Dyson 1999 Helix Books $11.20

8. Flatland : A Parable of Multi-Dimension as told by a Square Edwin Abbott 1998 Penguin Classics $8.95

9. When Things Start to Think Neil Gershenfeld 2000 Owl Books $11.20

10. The Turning Point: Science, Society, and the Rising Culture Fritjof Capra 1988 Bantam Doubleday $13.27

11. Black Culture and Black Consciousness: Afro-American Folk Thought from Slavery to Freedom Lawrence Levine 1978 Oxford University Press $12.00

12. The Book : On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are Alan Watts 1989 Vintage Books $8.76

13. The Art of Looking Sideways Alan Fletcher 2001 Phaidon Books $27.97

14. The Global Brain Awakens : Our Next Evolutionary Leap Peter Russell 1995 Harper Collins $12.00

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember the fake book that he gets the disk from?
"Simulacra and Simulation" by Baudrillard. The book is all about
"hyperreality", about how we have ceasd living in a real world, in
real time, and now exist in a constantly self-defining, self-obliterating
now.
It is also explicitly about the layers of reality, like onion skins,
that exist, and how we can not trust that any given layer is "the"
reality.
So, are Zion and the Machines real, and, if not, who is "dreaming"
them?
---------------------------

here's the discussion between the architect and neo..

http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/discussion.htm

also, i'm reading that in the press conference for matrix 2, the brothers
emphatically stated there wouldn't be a 'matrix in the matrix' plot (ie they
are still in the matrix when neo kills the squiddies)

Through this journal you'll find all kinds of comments on my distaste for people judging others. People who impose their moral, or otherwise, standards. Little people who are so insecure in their faith or themselves and everything that they think the entire world should be just as they are. Be it Conservative Christians, Southern Baptists are often the worst for it being their way or else and Americans. We think that whats good for us is good for everyone. And dont understand anyone who doesnt think that way. They seem to have no idea the problems with subjectivity. Who I am , based on my experience, who i have become, helps makes every decicion I make. Thats why I'm Libertarian. To each his on. Thats why Buddhism makes sense. To each his on. Whats good for me isnt neccesarrily the right thing for you. I hate close minded, judgemental people. I'm open possibility. I'm open to change. Not the Status Quo.

Too often parents get lost in their expectations for their kids. Dad's being overprotective of their little one growing up. We want to protect them from all the sex, drugs, rock & roll , & all the things we weren't suppose to do but would sneek to do when we were our children's age. Then we have to contend with all of societies status quo , that they impose on us as per what we must do to raise a child. Its always difficult & we may never have the relationship we want with our children. But if we are open (hearted) with them, and listen as least as much as we talk, and try to be infinitely patient and trust them, and always do the best we can at that moment, with the information we have at the time. Then we have to come to terms with the fact that we have done the best we can. Then we should trust that , not second guess it. Believe that everything will eventually work out. Keep faith, optimism. Dont give up on your child and doom them to your failed expectations of them. Dont stress. Once you've done all you can, you keep at it, with a postitive , trusting attitude NO MATTER WHAT. Its on going work, everyday. No point in getting fed up, thats what its about, the tough stuff. They will eventually mature out of all the things you. Parents can push too hard. Beyond what is neccesarry. Better a slow , steady push trying to understand where they are coming from . Than to continue to push harder and harder until we destroy the crap relationship that was there.

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (96%)
3. New Age (95%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (94%)
5. Liberal Quakers (92%)
6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (90%)
7. Bahá'í Faith (88%)
8. Theravada Buddhism (83%)
9. Hinduism (82%)
10. Jainism (82%)
11. New Thought (79%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (77%)
13. Sikhism (68%)
14. Scientology (64%)
15. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (55%)
16. Reform Judaism (54%)
17. Orthodox Judaism (53%)
18. Jehovah's Witness (51%)
19. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (50%)
20. Orthodox Quaker (50%)
21. Secular Humanism (50%)
22. Taoism (50%)
23. Islam (41%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (31%)
25. Roman Catholic (31%)
26. Nontheist (29%)
27. Seventh Day Adventist (27%)

http://www.selectsmart.com/religion.html

http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

Experiencing anything is very subjective & depends on ones individual tastes. Close minded, Self-centered, Ego laden people think their way is the "right" & "only" way. I don't have time for people like that. If they can't respect my individual love for my more obscure, away from the norm, ideas of religion, politics, life, happiness, music, and everything, then there really is no point in wasting my time trying to expand the hollow space between their ears.
There are 2 types of people. People who think they know it all, & whats right. (usually white american christian conservatives) And people who are open to new ideas. who concede that there may be more than meets the eye in things we dont understand.
Some people are so insecure & threatened that their way of life is being questioned. Other people see alien & foreign way as a learning opportunity. The more one is exposed to new ideas & experiences the better. The more one embraces an openess for new things the greater the opportunity to truly learn something new or substantiate his own ideas by contrast. Who am i to say my ideas are more right than someone elses ? Not growing up in their shoes how can I be there judge ? Like the old cliche says, "You cannot judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. " Being part libertarian, part Buddhist, part taoist, I believe in the individual choice for every individual in determining what is right for yourself & not push my beliefs on anyone else, as long as their beliefs do not impose on my right to live in whatever manner i choose.

  One could argue that anyone who believes in anything
is contrived or uses that belief as a crutch & "rides the coat-tails of honorable intentions" while having ulterior motives. No matter how sincere or insincere or what motives are believed or not believed, any belief in anything has ulterior-ish motives on some level. At the very least once one establishes a rightness & a wrongness to anything he can't but harm on some level. You always want your team to win. And in trying to achieve that win human nature creeps in.
Once again I go back to not being able to criticize others. (too harshly at least).
I - I - I , me, me , me .. am doing this for "YOUR" own good. Because your not doing it MY way. ie. Your doing wrong.
Who is to say my idea of freedom is not some new form of slavery ? Who is able to be the scales & weigh who is more right in the grand design ?
Who decides if the cost of my beliefs outweighs the benefits ?
How much do we pay for our beliefs ?
When is "at any cost" & "by any means" lose it's worth exactly ?
Only when its too late to turn back.
To quote The Cramps , "How far does too far go ? "
Maybe I'm too buddhist-taoist-libertatian but I can not impose my beliefs as necessarily good for anyone else.

NME Top 100 Albums of all Time. The order is a bit of a joke really. With plenty that should be on there. Where is Bowie's Ziggy Stardust & Hunky Dorey, The Stranglers, The Fall ? .....

1. The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
2. Pixies - Doolittle
3. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
4. Television - Marquee Moon
5. The Beatles - Revolver
6. Love - Forever Changes
7. The Strokes - Is This It
8. The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead
9. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico
10. The Sex Pistols - Never Mind The Bollocks
11. My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
12. The Clash - London Calling
13. Oasis - Definitely Maybe
14. Joy Division - Closer
15. Nirvana - In Utero
16. Radiohead - OK Computer
17. Spiritualized - Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
18. Blondie - Parallel Lines
19. Nirvana - Nevermind
20. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
21. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground
22. New Order - Technique
23. Primal Scream - Screamadelica
24. The Beatles - The Beatles (AKA The White Album)
25. The Smiths - Strangeways, Here We Come
26. David Bowie - Low
27. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On
28. The Verve - A Northern Soul
29. Public Enemy - It Takes A Nation Of Millions to Hold Us Back
30. Massive Attack - Blue Lines
31. Pixies - Surfer Rosa
32. The Byrds - The Notorious Byrd Brothers
33. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
34. Patti Smith - Horses
35. Jeff Buckley - Grace
36. Kraftwerk - Trans-Europe Express
37. Oasis - (What's The Story) Morning Glory
38. Scott Walker - Scott 4
39. Ramones - Ramones
40. Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
41. Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures
42. The Stooges - Fun House
43. David Bowie - Hunky Dory
44. Radiohead - The Bends
45. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin IV
46. The Streets - Original Pirate Material
47. Bob Dylan - Blood On The Tracks
48. REM - Automatic For The People
49. Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation
50. Blur - Parklife
51. The Smiths - Hatful Of Hollow
52. The Rolling Stones - Exile On Main St
53. Slint - Spiderland
54. The Smiths - The Smiths
55. Aphex Twin - Richard D James Album
56. Jay-Z - The Blueprint
57. Roxy Music - For Your Pleasure
58. The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
59. The Specials - The Specials
60. Big Star - Third/Sister Lovers
61. The Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs
62. Pulp - His 'N' Hers
63. Dusty Springfield - Dusty In Memphis
64. Nick Drake - Five Leaves Left
65. Duran Duran - Rio
66. The Flying Burrito Brothers - The Gilded Palace Of Sin
67. Underworld - Dubnobasswithmyheadman
68. Dexys Midnight Runners - Searching For The Young Soul Rebels
69. Andrew WK - I Get Wet
70. The Verve - Urban Hymns
71. Eminem - The Slim Shady LP
72. AC/DC - Back In Black
73. Michael Jackson - Off The Wall
74. The White Stripes - Elephant
75. Lou Reed - Transformer
76. Pulp - This Is Hardcore
77. The Coral - The Coral
78. Suede - Dog Man Star
79. The Clash - The Clash
80. Neil Young - After The Gold Rush
81. The Jesus And Mary Chain - Psychocandy
82. Wu-Tang Clan - Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
83. Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
84. De La Soul - 3 Feet High And Rising
85. The Rolling Stones - Let It Bleed
86. David Bowie - Heroes
87. The Slits - Cut
88. Primal Scream - Exterminator
89. Stevie Wonder - Innervisions
90. Leonard Cohen - Songs Of Love And Hate
91. Queens Of The Stone Age - Rated R
92. Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92
93. Joni Mitchell - Hejira
94. Bob Dylan - Bringing It All Back Home
95. Pink Floyd - Piper At The Gates Of Dawn
96. The Vines - Highly Evolved
97. PJ Harvey - Stories From The City, Stories from The Sea
98. Madonna - Like A Prayer
99. The Congos - Heart Of The Congos
100. The Beach Boys - Surf's Up

Seems like the people I have most in common with never really figure out what they want to do with their lives...

from http://www.painterskeys.com :

...... I realized that so many of us are asking the question: "What shall I do with my life?" As I've spent a lifetime trying to figure this one out--I consider myself a bit of an expert.
Like a lot of the cosmic questions--there can be a microcosmic
answer. There are several valuable angles: One is our
moment-to-moment doing. Another is our tolerance for failure.
Yet another has to do with our long-term strategizing.

Moment-to-moment doing: The basic and almost spiritual
question for every day or hour, is: "What do I want to do?"
This question has nothing to do with obligation, guilt, duty,
or economics. It's also a blessing, a luxury, and bloody good
going if you can ask it. When you know the answer, you are
truly on your way. The answer very often lies in a fair degree
of specificity: "I want to paint these Shasta Daisies in an
energetic counterpoint on a red-primed 10" x 12" mahogany
panel."

Tolerance for failure: This is a learned philosophical
position. It's something like spreading molasses on an
anthill. Sometimes they run all over it--sometimes they don't.
Failure may be in the hands of the gods--but it's the path to
finding out what we can do and what we're good for: "Those
Shasta Daisies failed, so did the 12" x 16" Rhododendrons, (it
was something about the scale) but this 36" x 48" stretched
canvas of Auntie Helen that I started last year looks like it's
going to be right for me today."

Strategy for the long term: Seeing the big picture and being
able to project ahead is not always easy. It requires tuning
into both our overt and our secret dreams. Try to view them
from the perspective of your current ones. A great monument
can be better visualized when you put two bricks against one
another. Great oaks from little acorns, etc. Great journeys
start with the space between our feet: "Auntie Helen loves
flowers--what about a series juxtaposing her and all the
flowers of her life? Now that's a life. That's what I should
do with my life."

PS: "There is not any present moment that is unconnected with
some future one. The life of every man is a continued chain of
incidents, each link of which hangs upon the former." (Joseph
Addison)

Esoterica: "What Should I Do With My Life?" is the title of a
new and popular book by Po Bronson. "Success is more dangerous than failure," he says. "If you're successful at the wrong thing; praise, money and further opportunity can lock you in forever." In his book he shows, through multiple stories and anecdotes, that failure is the way you eliminate the wrong turns on the way to the right ones.

Alot of those stars like Lou Reed come from a different age than us today. Getting all caught up in something that seems like(and is)a movement, and history making & you get all caught up in that. And its so apparent that everyone knows everyone is fucked up.
"I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears"
With good art people are often honest in their expression. however screwed , you roll with it. take the ride. It takes control, not you. It gets away from you. Some don’t mention it specifically until they are off it. And reference it in their art as part of them deep inside, just beneath the frenzy edge of sanity.
The vulgar & dispossessed best lover we hope never returns . Some romanticize that dark half as passionate & never ending other self, some know to well to hide , running not to dwell too long on such insatiable longing. That its best to keep it at arms length. Much of the best art is made of badness. Trying to overcome some struggling madness that consumes us. Letting that chaos out through the art.
It is either a outward motion, letting the demons out, releasing it all through the fingertips. Everything in mind & body being exorcised from the depths , or a taking in of energy, conjuring it into you like a conduit, open to letting it come over you, take over, become possessed, and expressing that.
And both at once. Everything in & out in all its rush of intensity. And you embrace it all. glorious.
intense. super-real. Especially in art that imploys a sub-conscious or consciousness altered realm.

From Paul :

I trip back among trails of memory
to try and find a knot in particular, the point where we crossed our
highways of experience, merging, engaging on-ramps, and we, enraptured
roadsters, pursuers of more than a means of transportation (more, a
means
of being transported, transcending, but keeping it kicking, root-down),
we, finding the lanes alive with some-day drivers, , hit the rest-stop
simultaneously, stretching out and comparing roadmaps, maybe a cuppa,
maybe a smoke, and found that we had seen the same distractions at
different road-sighed attractions, and had criss-crossed similar
detours,
and covered the blue highways, and the rainbow roads . . .
I can't find it, to be honest, though i was there, but being and
seeing don't alway coincide, and the knot is lost in the twists and
braids
of simple circumstance . . .
But, the effect proves that there once was a cause, and many, and
so I
know we were well-met, and destiny is naught but objects appearing
closer
in the rear-view mirror, . . . so friend, brother, confidante, sharer,
shaman, and soul, I was not there, and it does not matter, but I lay a
claim on another day of merging, when spark and consciousness met, and
I
celebrate that day, when you first diverged from a confluence of el
caminos to find yourself as your self, to be born, to be . . .
happy birthday, my friend, what more can I say than that?

peace,

Paul

if boy eat sun, he dream blue sky :pt68

Portishead
Massive Attack
Tricky
Laika
Pram
Belle & Sebastian
Cocteau Twins
Brian Eno
Beck
The Soft Boys (with Robyn Hitchcock)
Kate Bush
Laurie Anderson (love to see her as much as possible)
Neutral Milk Hotel

Want to see a live stage performance of Hedwig & The Angry Inch.
Would also love to see Sisters of Mercy or Pink Floyd or Curve or Spiritualized anytime.
I like spoken word performances by Jim Carroll or Spalding Grey or someone like that.
Really great weird abstract performance art is always great also, from De La Guarda to Blue Man Group or even weirder.